You know you're people-pleasing.
You recognize when you're doing it. You understand why you struggle with boundaries. You've probably even practiced saying no in your head approximately 47 times.
And then someone asks you for a favor.
"Of course! No problem!"
Well, shit. 🙃
If you've ever wondered why you keep repeating patterns you already understand, you're not alone.
People-pleasing isn't always just a matter of changing your thoughts or learning better communication skills. Sometimes, the discomfort that comes with disappointing someone feels so intense that your automatic response is to keep them happy, even when it means ignoring your own needs.
That's one reason some people explore approaches like Brainspotting therapy, which incorporates attention to physical sensations and emotional responses alongside traditional talk therapy.
But can Brainspotting actually help with people-pleasing?
Let's talk about what it is, how it might fit into treatment, and what the research does and doesn't tell us.
Why Is People-Pleasing So Hard to Change, Even When You Recognize It?
One of the most frustrating parts of people-pleasing is knowing exactly what you're doing and still struggling to stop.
Maybe you recognize that you apologize unnecessarily.
You know you don't have to explain every boundary.
You understand that other people's disappointment isn't automatically your responsibility.
But when someone seems irritated or asks you to do something you don't want to do, your body reacts before you've had much time to think.
Your stomach tightens. Your heart starts racing. You feel an overwhelming urge to fix the situation.
And suddenly, saying yes feels a whole lot easier than tolerating the possibility that someone might be unhappy with you.
For some people, these responses are connected to earlier experiences where conflict, criticism, or rejection felt threatening.
For LGBTQIA+ adults, experiences involving invalidation, rejection, or uncertainty about acceptance can sometimes contribute to heightened sensitivity to other people's reactions.
Over time, keeping the peace may become an automatic way of responding to uncomfortable situations.
Understanding where a pattern comes from is valuable. But insight doesn't always make the emotional discomfort disappear.
Changing people-pleasing often involves practicing new behaviors while also learning to tolerate the anxiety, guilt, or physical discomfort that can come with them.
What Is Brainspotting, and How Does It Work?
Brainspotting is a therapeutic approach developed by psychologist David Grand in 2003.
It uses focused visual attention, often alongside awareness of physical sensations, to explore emotionally significant experiences.
During a Brainspotting session, a therapist may guide you to notice where you feel emotional activation in your body while helping you identify a particular point in your visual field to focus on.
You might notice tension in your chest, a knot in your stomach, changes in your breathing, or other sensations as you attend to a particular memory, feeling, or concern.
The therapist supports you in observing and processing your experience at a pace that feels manageable.
Unlike approaches that rely primarily on talking through thoughts and behaviors, Brainspotting places additional emphasis on what you're noticing internally as you focus your attention.
Some people appreciate that they don't have to explain every detail of a difficult experience out loud.
It's important to understand, however, that the precise mechanisms through which Brainspotting might help are not well established. Claims that specific eye positions reliably access or release stored trauma go beyond what current research has demonstrated.
Brainspotting is also supported by a smaller evidence base than more extensively studied approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
That doesn't mean it cannot be useful. It means we should be thoughtful about what we can confidently say regarding its benefits.
Can Brainspotting Help With People-Pleasing and Fear of Disappointing Others?
Brainspotting isn't a treatment specifically established for people-pleasing, and there isn't strong research demonstrating that it directly reduces people-pleasing behaviors.
However, it may be considered as one component of therapy when people-pleasing is connected to emotionally distressing experiences, anxiety, or strong physical reactions.
For example, imagine you've been practicing setting boundaries.
You know it's reasonable to decline an invitation when you're exhausted.
You've worked on communicating clearly and reminding yourself that you're allowed to have needs.
But the moment someone sounds disappointed, your stomach drops and you feel compelled to change your answer.
In therapy, you might explore what happens emotionally and physically when you anticipate disappointing someone.
A Brainspotting session could involve focusing on that discomfort, noticing associated sensations or memories, and allowing space to process what comes up.
The goal wouldn't be to force yourself to feel nothing when someone is disappointed.
Instead, treatment might focus on helping you become more aware of your responses, develop greater tolerance for uncomfortable emotions, and practice responding in ways that align with your needs and values.
Brainspotting may be used alongside approaches such as CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and skills-based boundary work.
The important distinction is that Brainspotting isn't a shortcut that automatically eliminates people-pleasing.
Lasting behavioral change often requires practicing new responses outside therapy, too.
What to Expect From Brainspotting Therapy for People-Pleasing
If you're considering Brainspotting, you might be wondering what actually happens during a session.
The process can vary depending on your needs, comfort level, and treatment goals.
Here's what it might look like.
1. Identify the pattern you want to work on
We might begin by exploring a specific situation where people-pleasing shows up.
For example:
Feeling guilty after saying no
Becoming anxious when someone is upset with you
Automatically agreeing to requests
Overexplaining your boundaries
Feeling responsible for other people's emotions
Rather than trying to tackle every pattern at once, we can focus on one experience that's meaningful to you.
2. Notice your emotional and physical responses
You might be invited to think about that situation and observe what happens internally.
Do you notice tension?
An urge to apologize?
Fear that someone will reject you?
A familiar feeling of needing to make everything okay?
There's no right or wrong response. The purpose is to become curious about what you're experiencing.
3. Explore the experience through focused attention
If Brainspotting is appropriate for your treatment goals and you're comfortable proceeding, I may help you identify a visual point to focus on while you notice your internal experience.
Some people experience emotions, memories, physical sensations, or shifts in attention during this process.
Others may notice very little.
There's no particular response you're supposed to have, and we don't need to force an emotional breakthrough.
4. Connect the work to everyday life
Processing an emotional experience is only one part of treatment.
We also want to consider how you're responding to people-pleasing outside the therapy room.
That might involve practicing a boundary, delaying an automatic yes, noticing the urge to overexplain, or allowing someone to feel disappointed without immediately trying to fix it.
The goal is to support meaningful changes in how you navigate relationships, not simply to have an interesting experience during a session.
A Grounded Reminder: You Can Understand the Pattern and Still Need Support Changing It
Sometimes people get frustrated with themselves because they've already done so much work understanding their behavior.
I know why I do this. So why am I still doing it?
But recognizing a pattern and changing a deeply practiced response are two different things.
You might understand that you're allowed to have boundaries and still feel anxious when you set one.
You might know you're not responsible for everyone's happiness and still feel guilty when someone is disappointed.
That doesn't mean your progress isn't real.
It means change often involves more than understanding the problem.
Brainspotting may be one approach worth exploring, depending on your needs and preferences. Other therapies and skills-based interventions may also be appropriate, and there's no single method that's right for everyone.
You don't have to wait until saying no feels completely comfortable before you start choosing yourself.
Sometimes the work is learning that you can feel uncomfortable and still make a decision that honors your needs. 💜
Ready to Move Beyond Understanding Your People-Pleasing Patterns?
If you're tired of understanding why you people-please but still feeling stuck in the same behaviors, therapy can help you explore those patterns and practice responding differently.
At Excelsior Mental Health, I offer LGBTQIA+ affirming online therapy for adults throughout Florida and South Carolina.
My approach integrates Brainspotting, CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and practical skills to support people navigating relationship anxiety, people-pleasing, boundaries, and self-trust.
We can explore whether Brainspotting fits your needs and treatment goals, or whether another approach might be more appropriate.
Ready to explore your options? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if we're a good fit.
